good...no one suspect a thing. I'm gonna plan what I need to do....it'll take long.... To see you suffer really pains my heart...tears still flow knowing that there is nothing I can do. Nagato.....nagato......nagato I just hope no one will find out,so far so good...... by then.....by then
I'll leave....
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EMPTY :: , 03:21
sometimes it's as clear as glass, sometimes as foggy as the mist
8 months had passed....... 1 month and 26 days had passed......
Just now went to the T'ang Quartet performance with rayner, marcus and ben phang. the performance was quite.....nice I say. Came home about 12, then online till now, can't sleep....my mind has lots of thoughts running through them.... and yinghan, thank you for everything you've done....not only to me, but others as well. You're such a nice person and nice people always get the rotten side of life while evil people get the good side.....hope that everything in your life will turn for the better cos you don't deserve this kind of "hell's" life.
yinghan, you have done something to someone so important that I can't find ways to thank you enough. You've helped, protect a life......a life full of despair in the past. Those who have you and then lost you wasn't good enough to noticed that. A lifesaver, I can say, thank you. Now troubles are still brewing and I don't want you to worry about my problems......my job is done and I'm ready to leave........help instead to divert and advert all troubles happening to someone and you yourself must take care, because only you can help the someone....and I don't want to risk losing another friend after all you've helped me a lot and someone a lot. Guess it was my past mistakes that is punishing me now, but I'm still hanging on to the little hope left....... I'm counting on you, yinghan to help the person.....I'm putting all my trust in you. There is nothing I can do because the door's locked. All I can do is to stand aside, pray to hope that no harm falls on the person and that if it does, let it be me to carry it. I'm already bleeding, bleeding profusely and I have little time left. It still hurts, tears often flowing but I always hold them back. My pillar of support is gone...... I always carried that little hope that you(not you, yh) would consider but your words.....you said before, you didn't even apply them. Yes, maybe to others but not to me. Is it because of that thing that happened? If it is then I'll rather not you knowing anything. Is it a crime to love someone? and could you ever miss someone more than you love them? I don't know. All I know I'm going to prepare everything and after everything is prepared, I'm leaving....so yinghan, help me to continue protecting this young soul, a soul that has took lots of damage. How I wish I could be the one to take the damage but I've run out of option but to ask you to do it, so I'm asking you to be strong, and I'll protect you both in heaven. Help me watch over her, make her grow into a fine lady and for all of that, I thank you with all my life... I hope you'll not tell anyone about it if you manage to discover this......thank you
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EMPTY :: Friday, May 29, 2009, 21:23
Yesterday went with CC to watch Jolin's mini "performance"..... Today was a SUUUUPEEEERRRR UNLUCKY DAY!!!!!! First I went to look for Mdm Loh, need to do my SPA, then she not in staff room. Then went up to bio lab to look for her and guess what? She's not in there. Then I thought of going to the library, and when I reached there, it says CLOSED......like wth, all my plans failed.....oh well look for Mdm Loh some other days. So went to the canteen to do my chem holiday assignment and managed to complete half of it before going off to meet with Jordan at J8 to get my stuff back.
And camp success? I hate it.....it's like we're going back to school from 8a.m to 4p.m!!!!! That's like 8 hours! How I wish I was back in sec 3, where I could enjoy my June holidays and furthermore we still got holiday assignments that is needed to be completed.
So today is just not my day..........
you just don't understand me, do you? Really trying my best to get your forgiveness and yet you're not giving me it.......
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EMPTY :: Tuesday, May 26, 2009, 20:51
Lots of HCL homework to do.....still got choir, need to memorise scores..... and there is my O's coming...... wonder how I'd fare...... Today is nothing except that school ended early.....and CCA starts early and ended early. Oh well...some random stuff........
Sometimes it just hurts a lot if someone you care about especially a friend ignores you......i hope it'll change.....soon.
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EMPTY :: Saturday, May 23, 2009, 17:00
Whole day watching Naruto......might go out and take a walk too. just nothing to do, called Benedict Tan for a game of dota and his handphone is switched off.wth oh well, if that's the case....... I've learned everything.....every message, I get it. but still feeling uneasy..... Why is my head all messed up today? What's wrong? Going out there tomorrow again.
Since the day when we become friends, you've been a big part of my life. You've influenced me a lot, and since the day you left, my life has been a void because a huge part of my life had just disappear like that, no reason given. How I wish we could patched back the mistakes and become the friend we used to be, having all the fun and stuff. I seriously have lots of fun with you and you filled my life.....but then, you were gone just like that....no reason given. It still hurts....still hurts and every time I see you, tears do flow out but I always tried to hold it back. I don't know why are you doing this to me......no reason and you left, leaving a huge hole in my life...... Please.....I only wished you tried to be friends with me again and I promise you nothing of the previous sort will happen again. I promise you we would be the friends that we used to be......just give me a chance to be friends with you again. I didn't want you to see it but if you do, then all I'm asking is to become friends with you again.....nothing more, nothing less. That's all I'm asking......please.
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EMPTY :: Friday, May 22, 2009, 22:59
166 times....that's the number of times I wrote it. 166 times..... 166 times..... marker's report for the whole week......and chinese for 4 lessons....wth marker's report for the next few days of next week. today's choir practice was okay...ended early. that's all I guess.......
Mr Prem, you'll never understand how difficult it is to get rid of my mental block....you never asked me and just assume I wasn't putting much effort but I have tried, only to fail as my mental block is too strong. Now trying to get rid of it. Maybe...maybe I would leave before O level.....no one understand me at all, my problems and stuff and I'm left to defend everything I possessed.....I'm left to defend all by myself. Sometimes I wondered am I here to suffer all these pain and agony? Everyday is like a battle for me....a fight for survival. I'm left alone....and I don't like it.
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EMPTY :: Wednesday, May 20, 2009, 21:56
Results aren't good...... Need to get back on track to prepare for prelims.....that means removing my mental block. I'm trying very hard......and I know that I must do it. It'll take a while......but still, yeah I'm doing my best already and I believe I'll succeed. you know what? HCL for 4 periods sucks.....too long, especially with Ms Su.....-.-" can survive for only like 20 min before energy is sapping away.... anyway, 11 days only......after that, peace and at least i don't have to carry that much books :)
That's about it. you can trust no one.....all walls have eyes and ears
What am I saying? Even I don't know.....but I'm feeling uneasy....really uneasy, like something bad is going to happen to either me or my friends.....or people feeling quite sick........feeling very uneasy...... very uneasy indeed.........
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EMPTY :: Saturday, May 16, 2009, 02:45
All I'm just asking: Would you give me a chance to be friends again?
Watched Angels & Demons yesterday but the movie was blend.....maybe because I got no mood to feel it...... yeah......exams over, but problems not over........
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EMPTY :: Wednesday, May 13, 2009, 22:16
Having mental blocks....can't study, take exams...... but what can I do?????? I've tried every ways but I've failed........ I've failed in everything....... why........ need to try no matter what........ you left, and left me hoping that the situation turns better.....every second of my life......everyday I missed the times we had lots of fun.......so I do hope that we can be friends again....... I wish you all the best....to be with the person you love the most.......and I truly hope......hope that I can be your friend once again......please give me the chance to repent.......I really treasure the friendship we had......... tearing inside every time I see you, breaking inside every time when you walked passed.......just because of all my mistakes that destroyed it. Will you give me a chance to show that I repented? I hope you will because I treasure all friendship and losing is what I'd feared the most.....please....... and lastly......once again, wish you all the best......to fulfill your wish- that is to love him and be with him......that's all I can do as a friend........
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EMPTY :: Thursday, May 07, 2009, 22:47
Knew it......knew that I would fail terribly guess got to put in some effort...... but now, so many things looked bleak, so many things looked impossible...... why must my life make such a bad turn? I tried to understand but it's not getting any better..... I just need........ just need..... just have a simple wish that is to let me go off painless because the wound that is inflicted seems to be too deep...... why must my life be sooooo...... filled with solitude, hate, misery..... I just want to get out of this...... I'm really tired....... I want to go home..... to be at His side now...... or do I still have to go through all of this..... then in that case, I got to turn it into ice preserving it, not letting it have any contact with the physical world.... but in my spiritual world and mental world, Time has stopped.....and it will not move again until........ until my wound are healed, which will never happen..... so I'm stuck...only having solitude as my company....... why did it turn like this? I've tried my best.....but nothing is happening..... you left.....when I needed you as a friend........ それは愛する間違いでした…私が私によって友人の背部としてなぜ受け入れない私をできたが、すべてをしたか?
당신을 사랑하는 과오 이었습니까… 나가 나가 친구 뒤로 그러나 왜 당신 받아들이지 않는 저를 할 수 있던 모두를 한?
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EMPTY :: Tuesday, May 05, 2009, 23:58
you left.........when I just only need....... Why we can't just be.......? I'm not asking you to be what, but returning back as....... Trying to force myself to study A math, think I will fail this one....... you left......when I need a friend like you.... I knew it.....guess I was right, it is more than meets the eye....I.....I just have to be careful
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EMPTY :: Monday, May 04, 2009, 01:26
In the past, what have you told me? You told me something and now back off it..... you didn't keep your promise.... you told me it wouldn't get affected but I always knew you were some sort of lying.... I fear that one day it might happen and true enough, it's happening.... Why? I treasure friendships a lot and yet because of one mistake I'm being condemned by you. Tear a few times at the holy communion, it was the same as last week, go for my mass before attending the holy communion....what they said today was true: we need to learn to forgive others and you're not even giving me a chance to repent from my mistake..... I'm only asking you two simple request: forgive me, allow me to repent and to be friends again. How hard can it get? two simple request and it seems that you're turning a deaf ear on them..... you think I'm not like you? I value friendship....maybe more than you do, thats why I've been doing whatever I can to salvage it but all my efforts were either scorned by you or you simply couldn't do it...... It makes me feel condemned.....no one wants it like that...... my no one could just give me a chance to repent.....we're human and to err is human, but so long we learn from one's mistakes, thats all that matter......I've know where are my mistakes but you are not giving me a chance to repent.....why are you like this? why did you do this to me? Just give me a chance to repent, is it really that difficult? you said you treasure friendships but it seems the other way round..... I'm not trying to say anything that would piss you but you don't even give me a chance.......to repent from my mistakes I'm not being thick-skinned or whatsoever but I did that and make you feel like that because I really treasure the friendship we had in the past, all the memories.....everything of it..... but it seems........ there is nothing I can do..... all is left is what you decide.....I've done everything I can and now hoping for the best....... my heart is aching, bleeding from the loss of friendships....... every moment...... you said you are not good for anyone, not good for me..... but I only ask you to be my friend back...... nothing concerning about whether are you good or not good enough for me....... and if you are not good for anyone, are you good for him? are you really good for him since you said you are not good to anyone..... no need to put in this way.......I've been hurt deeply enough and don't really want to be hurt anymore......... It's getting too much......... I'll cease to exist if you leave.... you're not giving me a chance....... why are you condemning me?
Untitled - Simple Plan "I open my eyes I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light I can’t remember how I can’t remember why I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain And I can’t make it go away No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me I made my mistakes I’ve got no where to run The night goes on As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming I try to make a sound but no one hears me I’m slipping off the edge I’m hanging by a thread I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered And I can’t explain what happened And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done No I can’t
How could this happen to me? I made my mistakes I’ve got no where to run The night goes on As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes I’ve got no where to run The night goes on As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me?"
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EMPTY :: Sunday, May 03, 2009, 01:01
you said you've unblocked me already, but apparently you still did not unblock me as the results are still the same......why?
"Why do you do this to me? Why do you do this so easily? You make it hard to smile because You make it hard to breathe Why do you do this to me?"
"I know sorries, just wouldn't do it Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying to travel through But it's like moving mountains... It's like moving mountains... hey. But I keep climbing and hoping things would change And the sky turns gray, and the water from the rain washes progress away. It's like moving mountains... (moving mountains) It's like moving mountains... (moving mountains)"
Why do I have to be condemned? why is life so difficult for me? Everything I do, I always lose something..... Friendship.......one of the things I treasure the most....... some just disappear like that, leaving me in a shock...... Why does life have to be this hard? I'm not blaming anyone, but myself for all mistakes committed..... I shouldn't have commit them.....and now I don't even have a chance to repent over, to........ Why do I have to walk this path full of solitude? I'm wearing thin........ but I'll have to....... I just don't know for how long will I be able to walk, to complete the path given to me......maybe......maybe I wouldn't even have the strength to complete it.......
it just keeps getting worse, more painful....every second passed feels like torture, and you've just dealt me a fatal blow.
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EMPTY :: , 00:12
Spending a long time on editing this skin, still cannot get it to work on Firefox.... zzz...... Studying SS.......
Things seems to get from bad to worse, why can't I have the chance to mend it, to repent? Why must I be condemned? Why must life treat me like this? Is this the way I'm supposed to live, full of solitude? I can't stand the solitude in my life anymore....it's breaking me. Maybe.....maybe.....maybe I should just end all of it.
I've never meant to hurt you.......
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EMPTY :: Friday, May 01, 2009, 02:46
what can I say? The feeling of being misunderstood is too hurtful......
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THE LONESOME SOUL
Goh Benjamin
I watch, i feel, from there i learn....through the colours of the world, i paint a beautiful picture that is far from the ugliness of reality
The world is an illusion, a painful one. Wishes You to be fine
Friends to be happy
To remember her, my god sister forever
World to be peaceful
And don't rip credits, thanks.
